i have been trying to think of the words.
but what do you say…

i went to bed last night, thinking of the funeral and how much i wish i could have been there.
i read aunt debbie’s words she sent about her thoughts of the day,
and as i pieced together the images of you and your children,
i couldn’t bear it.

i soaked my pillow for hours as i thought of how weak i would be in your shoes.
i thought of those children and how hard this will be, though maybe not soon.
i thought of your sweet wife and the welcome she received on the other side.
of how granny would take her by the hand, maybe to dance.

i wept and i sobbed.
part of me wanted to wake the guy next to me
in need of some comfort and consolation.
and then i felt guilty that i could.

i woke up only an hour or two later,
and decided to pick up some wisdom.
i usually play games on my phone to clear my head and help me to sleep,
this time, i found the september ensign.

i clicked on a title i thought would be of comfort,
“hope in the ordinances of the gospel”
this man and his son were looking into the church when his wife got sick.
she knew she wanted to be baptized, so while she was away seeking help, he continued to
visit with the missionaries and told her all about it over the phone.
the doctors said she was improving, so she told him not to use his ticket to go see her.
3 days later, she passed. undetected lukemia.

[i guess, i picked the wrong article]

he talked about how he was baptized,
and was later sealed to his wife and son
though she was gone.
he thought she was lost forever, and now he has her forever.
a peace came over me, accompanied by more tears,
of how grateful i am to be stuck with this family.

this morning, when chris woke up to my tears,
i held him and wouldn’t let go.

brian,
you come from such a great bunch of people,
it simultaneously breaks my heart and brings me joy to know that
you and yours will be well taken care of.
your strength has already strengthened me
more than you might ever know.

love,
cousin #40