my birth plan // a healing - Color Me Meg

my birth plan // a healing

i am 30 weeks today.

and ready to be at 40.

i forgot how uncomfortable it is to be this big,
and i have pain, pretty much all day in my back & side,
that my midwife says must be because of my height
i had the same with Boss and kept heat on it for the last 3 months…

i always fear that my putting heat on it,
{which was near the top of my back and belly on one side}
may have been why B didn’t ever turn,
and why he was stuck there at a point of no return.

after his birth,
i mourned the lack of a vaginal birth.
a dark cloud was over me for months beginning with the news that i was out of options,
and ending a few months after he came.
many women aren’t phased by it, but since it was so against what i had hoped for,
what i thought i was preparing for,
i was more upset than i would like to admit.

yes, greatful, humbled, and very glad to have a baby in a time that he could come safely,
but i still had every reason to be sad about how it all went down. {or didn’t, in his case}

i didn’t want to try to get pregnant this time without the best care i could find.
without someone just as committed to me as i was.
so i researched for 3 months.
calling and emailing every midwife i could find here in san diego,
trying to find out what we could afford, and who would be up for a VBAC.

oddly, most doctors here, and even most hospitals are a no-go for VBACs.
in fact, the one birthing center here won’t take them either.
i learned after searching and interviewing more that the birthing center functions much like a hospital. lots of rules and can’ts and don’ts and do-it-our-ways.
i’m not into that.

when i came to meet with the midwives i have now,
i had cc and boss with me.

the 3 of them, sat me down on their comfy futon in their tiny home-like downtown office,
which in reality, is quite hippy-esque.

the first question they asked was
“why i had chosen a homebirth?”

not once did anyone care what i wanted before.
my last set of midwives fought with me,
and didn’t even try to help me with a birth plan.
it was a matter of convenience, not service.

i told them my story,
and tried not to get emotional as i told them
how it felt to drive to a hospital and “pick up” my child.
and not feeling connected to the little thing for months.

one of the midwives, a former OB,
said VBACs are her favorite.
they are healing, she told me.

that’s what i felt i needed.
some healing.

at my last appointment,
my midwife, who had spent the first 20 minutes of our appointment
playing outside with me and my 2 year old,
gave me an exam and assured me that baby girl is head down.

i fought tears again.
this IS going to be different.

and these women have every confidence, as i do,
that it will be.

yes, i am having this baby at home,
yes, it will be the first baby i’ve delivered.
my plan is to let my body do what it knows,
and to be ever present.

i. can’t. wait.

*foto credit rosemary watson


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About Meg

I am Meg. A health and wellness coach, a color lover, and a wish-i-owned-a-house-er. My husband and I are self-declared foodies and LOVE cooking together and doing home projects. We blog about our [mostly] healthy food and DIY adventures from sunny Arizona with our 3 cutie kids. Email me at colormemegblog at gmail dot com to work with me!

8 comments on my birth plan // a healing

  1. Cynthia Peterson
    May 10, 2013 at 6:42 pm (5 years ago)

    Good for you for doing your research and knowing your options. I've had 4 children. 2 of them naturally, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Be warned…there's always that point where you think you are going to give up and die…seriously. But this is the point where you are SO SO close to meeting your baby and making it all worth it! My recoveries after natural birth were

  2. Brianna Hobbs
    May 10, 2013 at 8:04 pm (5 years ago)

    Thank you so much for sharing. My daughter just turned 1. I had planned a natural waterbirth at home. Things definitely did not go as I planned but luckily I was still able to give birth naturally (after 36 hours of labor and on a gurney about to be loaded onto an ambulance for transport to the hospital.) I wish you the very best of luck! It is so worth it!

  3. Lisa Longley
    May 10, 2013 at 8:37 pm (5 years ago)

    You're going to rock your VBAC Meg. I had one 11 months and one week after my c-section. I felt like a ROCK STAR. I know you will too!

  4. Lela Boyd
    May 10, 2013 at 10:12 pm (5 years ago)

    Love this! Love you! Such a worthy and justified goal. Pushing my babies out was the hardest AND most wonderful thing I've ever experienced. That moment when they come into this world crying and scared and then calm immediately as they are placed on your warm comforting chest is the closest to heaven I've ever been. I still daydream about it. I'm so excited for you Meg! It's gonna

  5. Darcey
    May 11, 2013 at 3:26 am (5 years ago)

    I have a friend going through the exact same thing, and I can't believe how many "professionals" refuse to do VBACs (I think she'll be driving over an hour away get hers). So glad you found the right people at the right time! You will do great!

  6. Katie Seigfried
    May 13, 2013 at 4:00 pm (5 years ago)

    If you have healed well and the baby's doing well, why wouldn't they do a VBAC? Goodness… But I'm glad you've found someone who will! 🙂

  7. beccaod
    May 17, 2013 at 7:56 pm (5 years ago)

    Can't wait to hear how your home birth goes, after everything I've heard, I would definitely do it if my husband would be up for it. We are having our first and he is scared of anything going wrong. I pray that it will be wonderful for you and give you the healing you need.

  8. hAha
    May 19, 2013 at 2:03 am (5 years ago)

    Best thing I've read for a while! Good luck, mommy! It's going to be beautiful!