i am 30 weeks today.

and ready to be at 40.

i forgot how uncomfortable it is to be this big,
and i have pain, pretty much all day in my back & side,
that my midwife says must be because of my height
i had the same with Boss and kept heat on it for the last 3 months…

i always fear that my putting heat on it,
{which was near the top of my back and belly on one side}
may have been why B didn’t ever turn,
and why he was stuck there at a point of no return.

after his birth,
i mourned the lack of a vaginal birth.
a dark cloud was over me for months beginning with the news that i was out of options,
and ending a few months after he came.
many women aren’t phased by it, but since it was so against what i had hoped for,
what i thought i was preparing for,
i was more upset than i would like to admit.

yes, greatful, humbled, and very glad to have a baby in a time that he could come safely,
but i still had every reason to be sad about how it all went down. {or didn’t, in his case}

i didn’t want to try to get pregnant this time without the best care i could find.
without someone just as committed to me as i was.
so i researched for 3 months.
calling and emailing every midwife i could find here in san diego,
trying to find out what we could afford, and who would be up for a VBAC.

oddly, most doctors here, and even most hospitals are a no-go for VBACs.
in fact, the one birthing center here won’t take them either.
i learned after searching and interviewing more that the birthing center functions much like a hospital. lots of rules and can’ts and don’ts and do-it-our-ways.
i’m not into that.

when i came to meet with the midwives i have now,
i had cc and boss with me.

the 3 of them, sat me down on their comfy futon in their tiny home-like downtown office,
which in reality, is quite hippy-esque.

the first question they asked was
“why i had chosen a homebirth?”

not once did anyone care what i wanted before.
my last set of midwives fought with me,
and didn’t even try to help me with a birth plan.
it was a matter of convenience, not service.

i told them my story,
and tried not to get emotional as i told them
how it felt to drive to a hospital and “pick up” my child.
and not feeling connected to the little thing for months.

one of the midwives, a former OB,
said VBACs are her favorite.
they are healing, she told me.

that’s what i felt i needed.
some healing.

at my last appointment,
my midwife, who had spent the first 20 minutes of our appointment
playing outside with me and my 2 year old,
gave me an exam and assured me that baby girl is head down.

i fought tears again.
this IS going to be different.

and these women have every confidence, as i do,
that it will be.

yes, i am having this baby at home,
yes, it will be the first baby i’ve delivered.
my plan is to let my body do what it knows,
and to be ever present.

i. can’t. wait.

*foto credit rosemary watson