i’ve had a handful of random dreams lately,
most involving something awful happening to boston,
and me running after him.

in one, i was captured, one, he was locked in mansion…
i couldn’t get to him, i could see him inside, alone and scared.

only one of these did i manage to get to him before i awoke,
and i will admit, i was still shaking when i did.

i guess that explains the emotional side of jumping back into this newborn phase.
my little boy is still so little.
he is so independent, learning so much,
and teaches me things all day long about what 2 year olds can know,
but he does still need me.
i love that he needs me.

and while i wish i could pull out my freeze ray and zap him in time,
he has to have siblings at some point!

and this little girl hasn’t stopped reminding me she’s coming so soon.
i get kicked and sucker punched all day and all night now.

and it’s not really a fear, but the reality that my time will soon be divided.
tied to a newborn means less time for him, and with so little of that as it is,
i feel like i have to give him up a little more to have another one.
that there will be times i will be trapped and can’t come play.

it breaks my heart.

every morning i go get him from his room and he runs into my legs and then pulls me to the couch. we cuddle, watch a show… he has some milk, and i usually drink some protein too.

at some point i ask him what he’d like to do, and he’ll tell me.

we can usually make some part of it happen, whether it’s a lady friend he wants to go out with, a food type product, or playing at the park.

i love this phase.

i love that it can get to be about him for part of the day, and that he is pretty good about playing by himself to let me work when i need to.

yes, he has his toddler moments, and tantrums and meltdowns just like any kid,
but he really is good.
and he takes care of me so well too.

it’s hard to believe that in 6 short weeks, it will never be just him and me again.
his face is still so small, his little hands still get lost in my hands,
and yet, i know when he comes home to see his baby sister he will be big.
much bigger, and suddenly lots older.

my heart shatters just thinking about it already.