it’s not the big things, it’s the little things that shake me.

it’s times like yesterday, as we are casually loading up to see family for dinner when boss tumbled down the stairs. these stairs, made of concrete and covered in gravel. he’s been down them over 100 times on his own with no problem, but one slip and he tumbled all the way to the bottom, bumping and scratching all the way. my nightmare.

i should mention that about 3 weeks ago, as i was leaving for yoga in the morning, i slipped on these very stairs. my feet came out from underneath me and i landed on my tailbone and my back. it knocked the wind out of me, and i couldn’t breathe, i yelled for chris, though my voice didn’t sound like mine, it was like an old lady’s. hoarse and desperate. when he found me, he recognized the similar signs from the hour after reese’s birth, when i passed out. my eyes rolled back in my head and my body shook in his arms.

when i came to, seconds later, i heard the familiar panicked sound of my husband screaming my name. my neighbor was there in her jammies sitting on the steps while he told someone on the phone not to send a paramedic because i was awake. i am still pretty sore in my back, even today, and just barely can lean back on my tailbone without wincing.

so when i heard the thud and scream of boss outside, i expected the worst. if it could hurt me as bad as it did, i was planning on a night in the hospital. i already had the conversation with the paramedics in my head by the time i reached the bottom where he was already in his daddy’s arms screaming and crying. luckily he was more shaken up than anything, but he wanted me to sit by him in the car, and cuddled for a long time when we got there…

after dinner as usual with the fam, we watched a movie, and since today is a holiday, they wanted it to be a good one, one some of us hadn’t seen. we watched the impossible. the true story about the survivors of a tsunami. i hyperventilated the entire time. i can literally feel the pain in my chest, in my heart, as i think of those poor families and those all over who lose family to tragedies like this. it was heart wrenching, it felt like a documentary, and it was real.

when we got home, boss wanted me to carry him up the stairs, and when we got up, i saw his battle scars from his fall. a fall that could have been so much worse. i squeezed him tight, kissed him over and over, and sent him to bed. what a blessing to have a safe and healthy family. those could have been awful moments in our timeline, and instead were a scary few minutes and a few scrapes. i went and held my baby girl and just sobbed. i can’t even imagine losing one of these precious littles of mine. and my heart brakes for those who have. i promise to love them with everything i’ve got.

i will never know how anyone could go through such things, especially big things, and not know that God is real.