one of my best friends from college, a dear friend of mine, just posted last week that she lost her baby girl. it was her first baby, just 5 months old. my friend is a state away and we haven’t kept in touch as much as we wish we could, but it shook me. i was heartbroken for her.
it’s every mother’s nightmare to lose a child. i have talked to many moms who admitted to all of the horrible scenarios we play out multiple times daily that end in the worst case. the mere idea of one day not having these kiddos in my care has made me a different person. makes me want to be better, to savor them, to drink them in and enjoy their little spirits.
every day they are mine.
it’s caused me to think about the kind of parent that i am: usually impatient, often frustrated, sometimes present, but at very least here for them.
the last few nights i have woken up in the night to soft cries and coughs. you can bet i held my baby with tears in my eyes until she calmed. tears of worry, tears of hurt, tears of pain. tears of uncontrollable love for another human.
mothers often feel the anxiety of wishing you could take away someone else’s hurt. a pain i never knew until i watched my kids bleed. i was an emotional basket-case, alone, in the dimly lit night.
a mother praying for my little to stop coughing so fiercely.
the more i think about it, the more inspired i am to be better.
these littles, though frustrating, messy, busy, tiring, and independent, give me a deep look at myself every day.
i am told often that my son reflects his dad in so many ways. and that’s true. he was a calm baby, slept well, really loves trucks and cars, and his brain works like an engineer. he wants to build, to create, to learn. he’s articulate, and observant, and detail-oriented. he will be great at whatever he does. i would say he’s exactly like dad, but his dad is an introvert.
just as we sat to eat lunch together at the park, we saw a little boy face plant, and hard. i gasped, and boss jumped up, “i’m going to see if my friend is ok, mommy!” and off he went.
my heart nearly burst into a pool of mother butter. he loves people, craves interaction, loves to sing, to dance, and hang out with mom just as much as dad… he can be dramatic, has an insane imagination… turns out he is a lot more like me than i thought!
i watched the trailer for this hilarious and heartfelt new vince vaughn movie “Delivery Man” the other day, while i was already feeling like a sappy emotional parent. for some reason, the trailer struck a cord. and i just smiled the whole time… {bonus: that funny guy from parks and rec is in it…}
[i’ll give you a sec to watch it. it’s great…]
he suddenly feels that “anxiety” to help and to be there for every one of his “new” kids. i loved it. and what a funny idea for a movie! i loved watching how he changed once his life turned to his kids. he had a purpose. they became everything.
they are everything. and they are raising us just as much as we raise them.
i spend at least some part of every day in stress, wishing the day would end, and i spend every night watching videos and looking at the 400 pictures i took that day, just wishing it was already tomorrow to do it all over again. what a great movie to show what parenthood is really like. we spend our days “saving” them from a lot, trying to get them to grow and learn and see past themselves, and it’s exhausting. but at the end of the day, we can’t wait to do it again.
maybe not times 533,
but always again.
for however long i get to have them,
my kids have already changed me.
to check out the movie on facebook, click here
