I clearly worked and reworked that title until it was just right, can’t you tell?
Here’s the deal: I haven’t posted anything on social media for what feels like months. I haven’t posted a blog post except for the few days I had energy in December and wanted to show off the cute Christmas tree, but the truth is: A huge part of me, like 80-ish percent, is over it all. And not in a dramatic, “Ah, to HELL with it!” kind of way, but more of a “eh” kind of way.
Listen here closely, cause this is the important part:
Why am I over it?
Cause I just really don’t care.
I just don’t really care right now if my instagram account has growing followers. And every few days I remember to check in to see what friends have posted, and I will interact with family, but I don’t so much care to share. I am an open book, a blunt and honest person who likes attention generally, but for some reason, for nearly a year, I haven’t cared to share more than 1-2 things a week, and most weeks, even less.
See, exactly one year ago, I lived in a different place, we had different jobs, husband and I were working around the clock. I had anxiety so bad that my heart pounded out of my chest for 90% of most days. I was constantly worried what YOU thought. What was that thing I said to my friend earlier today? Do you think she took it the way I meant it? Am I a good mom? Am I doing enough? Am I a good wife? Is my marriage perfect, is my business going to take off and make millions, am I going to become one of those lifestyle bloggers with 50k followers on instagram with a perfect fake life that people want to be like??
I wish I was making this crap up. I remember posting something on instagram and my heart would race for hours, and since my husband worked 16 hour days and came home a zombie, I sat and checked and rechecked, just to see if I was “good enough”. {i.e., if what I posted, didn’t lose me followers.} I was sick.
When we decided to make a change and move and change careers and be near family, I started my break. I basically quit my business all together. My manufacturer was in San Diego, and I could have found a new one in Arizona, but I didn’t. I was making more money each month and it was growing, and there was a steady growth of a following to warrant keeping the business going, I just realized I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to feel like I was trying to do something amazing and be someone important, which admittedly is probably part of the reason I did it in the first place. I didn’t want to spend so much time stressing about making money, and not taking care of myself first.
My business never saw it’s 2nd birthday, and I’m ok with that. When I get asked or emailed about it, I say the same thing, I just didn’t want to! Life is too short to do what you don’t love. I learned that what I DO love, even more than blogging, or running an apparel company, is the marketing and designing, and working with new people, seeing new things, and bringing people together. Making clothes wasn’t working out to feed those needs.
So I took a job as a marketing manager. For a company completely outside of my industry, but I get to work with my husband, and travel, and we get to be home with our kids. Sure, some days are hectic, but for the most part, we count our blessings every single day because of the change in pace. We LOVE being home together. Some would hurl to read that, I know, but we are more co-parents now than ever before, and feeling like I’m not alone in this gig is super important to me. It allows me to enjoy my kids more when I’m not the only one they deal with all day. When I’m not the only one around all of the time to dish out the love or the discipline. It’s completely changed our marriage for the better. It’s changed my mental health for the better. I am officially off medication for now {that I was taking for anxiety}, and I am sure it’s because of our change in pace/lack of social media. For not stressing to blog and work so hard. I work a healthy amount each week, but not too much that I can’t mom. The start-up company we work with is family based, and they know family is first. So nothing has really changed here. I can still serve in church, take kids to school, visit family… accomplish what needs to be done.
Do I miss San Diego? Always. Do I miss our tiny apartment and the anxiety of feeling like we had to work around the clock to enjoy the place? Not as much. We recently got stuck watching home video after home video from our days in San Diego, and I can tell you we obviously had a lot of good times and made a lot of sweet memories with our tiny kids. I just wish I was more aware of those moments while they were happening. I can’t get them back.
Family matters. Time matters. Doing what I love matters.
Instagram followers who don’t care to see my cute 3 year old? Not on my give-a-crap list. I don’t post much, cause I think about the post and then realize, “I don’t so much care if you see that!” or I’ll begin scrolling on Facebook and after reading a few lame posts about nothing {or worse, a rant about someone’s strong opinion about something},
I realize, “I just remembered, I don’t care about any of this.” and I’ll get off.
I am slowly becoming a minimalist, systematically getting rid of truckloads of things that have cluttered our lives, I haven’t spent money on myself in months just to make me feel better, and I have to say, the world feels lighter! I feel like I am doing the same in my social life. I don’t need a million friends, in real life or online. I need to be a better friend to those I have, and check in on them and help to take care of them, IN REAL LIFE. I don’t care about what is outside these walls nearly as much as I care about the people inside them, I don’t miss the stress, the comparing, the upkeep of updating the world on our every thought and move, and I tell you what? Our lives will never be the same again.
For the record, I will post some to keep my “journal” and my chatbooks updated. I will occasionally get stuck in “the hole” and read for a while on Facebook or Instagram. I don’t judge anyone who is on social media or what anyone is posted, so don’t read into this as a huge judgement on how you are or what you do. It isn’t. I just may not see what you post because I’m not there. You just might have to tell me about your life when I see you. And I’m perfectly happy with that.
Wishing you a happier, healthier 2017. Let’s do lunch and catch up soon.
