i woke up yesterday morning just before cc left,
which is very early for me.

of course, that meant i had to get up anyway to pee,
cause that’s what i do now i guess…

i prayed with my sweet working man,
then climbed back into bed to enjoy another hour or so before the terrorist would wake up.

the light was coming through the window, and while i could tell it would be a beautiful day,
i was feeling like a truck ran over me.

i was trying to get comfortable all night. ps, this little girl doesn’t do… comfortable.
and by “all night” of course i meant, since 2am when i finally hit sheets.
and the fact that she’s a huge mover, is only part of my sudden panic.

and just as i was curling back into fetal position with my “boyfriend pillow” 
{what we i lovingly call the body pillow that shares our bed for no less than 12 months},
it hit me: crap.

i am going to have a newborn around here in 3.5 months!!

my mind raced through all of the things that would be different.
the diapers, the late nights, and most definitely not sleeping in till 8:30 or 9am with my toddler…

after about 5 minutes, i realized my eyes were still wide, propped wide open,
in a typical worry-stare.

what was i thinking? who has 2 kids at a time?
can’t i just raise one to puberty, then start over?

is there a control-alt-delete??

i keep ignoring the fact that it feels like starting over around here,
and though i have had a small sampling of excitement,
{usually involving small baby girl purchases}, to have a new one around,
i hadn’t once placed myself in the middle of the chaos and fog
that i only barely recall from my first.

i know, i’ll be fine.
and yes, i’m happy to be pregnant.

but yes, i’m just now, with something like 15 weeks left, realizing what i’ve gotten myself into.
sure puts all those teenage moms into perspective… and i even meant to be pregnant. sheesh.

oh, and as i’m sitting her pontificating about the million things left to do before baby comes,
i thought of all of the books i read. all the “training” i had given myself to get ready… the sleep books, the natural birth, all the good info that was wasted since i ended in a cutting ceremony anyway…

have i spent more than 2 minutes on that at all?  
that’s a no.

i have to be the mom that makes baby food, on top of it all.
and has a baby who sleeps at 3 days old,
all the while teaching my toddler colors and numbers and still somehow managing to maintain a business…

honestly you moms with a billion kids,
how in the hello kitty do you do it?

i’m screwed.
{and yes, i get that there’s double meaning there…}

and really, the biggest fear i have is just that i love my little family right this moment…
i love my little terrorist.

he’s a hot mess, but he’s a good kid. my little buddy.
and we feel like the 3 musketeers most days,
just us, playing and having fun. he asks me to dance with him, to which i always oblige. he curls up at night and says “i yuv you mommy” before we shut the door… he’ll kiss my hand like a princess, and then pull me down to kiss him through the bars…

i tear up every time.

a huge part of me is scared to let go of the phase where we can spend all of our time reading together, and praying together, and playing with tools and trucks 24/7, and doing everything boys want, cause that’s what we have… and at night when little man curls up into his dad, and is sung to, my heart leaks all over.

i don’t want to miss this stuff!
not with him, not with any little peeps i may have.

perhaps that’s my biggest fear:
i just don’t want to miss the party!

random pregnant ramble: over.