my mom is a big fan of telling stories.

when she tells them more than once,
sometimes more than 5 times, its appropriate at our house to hold up the number so she knows, “i’m the one you have told that to…. a whole lot.”

but usually i laugh and pretend i haven’t, like its new,
cause that is what a daughter with tact would do.

one time peg had a dream, after 3rd baby or so,
when dad was working lots living at the office,
and she was home with the 3 boys.
{that i can only imagine were hell in a barrel…}

if i remember right, in the dream she saw {unnamed for protection} her former boyfriend
jogging by.  or maybe she was jogging and he was standing…?
anyway, one of them was jogging, and she felt the need to shout out to him,

“i’m reeeeeally happy!!”

totally what peg’s ex-boyfriend looked like…

maybe her subconscious was trying to say,
“suck it up, peg!  you planned this party, right?
now go live it up!”

so sometimes she and i say “i’m really happy” to remind ourselves that whatever it is we are currently stressing about is really probably some middle-aged dude in magnum-p.i. shorts that you are really glad you didn’t marry in the end anyway….

today i spent what i hope is my very last single mom saturday for a long time.

working, and mom-ing, and doing my part to keep us afloat.

sometimes i spend too much time in the online world
thinking about what i could be doing next…

i immediately get in a discouraged funk, and start writing posts in my head about
where i wish i was.  and for maybe 10 minutes that place is curled in a ball in my bed with cc holding me.

and then, once i chill go get a swig and take a breath
it always changes:

right here.

that’s the answer.

i am soon to be homeless and wandering a new place,
i am soon to start a business out of what often feels less than so.
i am soon to be the mom that makes real food for lunch instead of chunks of cheese and goldfish.
i am soon going to be in san diego, where life will not be resolved of issues, but it will be better.

i am right where i need to be.

…just give me a minute to pull up my big girl panties.