i missed the important chat somewhere about “toddler hell.”

someone should have sat me down and prepared me for this…

threenager: noun.

a 3-year-old in a “phase” in which they truly do believe they are a teenager with negotiating skills from Harvard.

ex. “great, my sweet toddler is now a threenager. i need a huge diet coke and a cookie. and a live-in nanny for 2 years…”

1. You spend time in 30 minute increments. 24 really, because that’s how long an episode of Jake and the Neverland Pirates is on Netflix {or whatever they’ll watch}, and therefore your allotted time to get anything done .

You’ve also given up on that rule your pediatrician probably gave you at some point about the “recommended amount of screen time” for a kid his age and tell yourself it’s educational…. cause it is. Thanks Super Why, for teaching my kid his letters.

2. You feel on the verge of a heart attack for 90% of the day, worrying that at any moment your child will run into oncoming traffic or attempt to actually “fly” in his superman cape off the balcony.

Or consoling him because he isn’t really superman, and can’t actually fly.

3. The ratio of NO!s and STOP THAT!s shift from 90% you, to your child. You must have forgotten who was in charge all this time… and apparently YOU are the annoying one.

4. You spend 30 minutes at a time in arguments over things like going to the barn. “what barn?” “THE BARN, MOM!” “I don’t know what you are talking about…” “THE BARN! WITH THE ANIMALS! I WANT TO GO. RIGHT. NOW!!!!”

5. A good *30% of the day is spent watching your child in a sudden self-induced seizure of fits with his face in the floor, fake alligator tears, and no form of consolation for miles around. {*statistic completely made up to be dramatic and prove a point}

6. Poop happens. And not a soul in the house cares about it. Not the kid sitting in it all day, not the ones who have to change it…. Cause stopping 10 times while you’re finally out to find a potty now sounds like hell on wheels. Literally. Racing a cart through Target {what should always be a mom’s happy place} to beat the 30 seconds to the bathroom… no thanks. Poop away kid. We’ll deal with all that stuff when we’re ALL good n ready…

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7. If it isn’t their idea, forget about it. You both spend time negotiating and manipulating conversation, trying to get the other to believe it’s their idea…

“mom, you want to watch that show, cause it will make you happy!”  Riiiiiight.

“Don’t you want to go to preschool? You can’t go to preschool unless you go in the potty…” NO! I don’t WANT to go in the potty. Now change my diaper, mom!!!”

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8. Going anywhere requires an extra allowance of no less than 25 minutes to allow for any possible meltdowns or sudden amnesia regarding seat belt protocol.

This, is why you are almost always late for things, and trying to come up with other reasons than “i actually had to buckle him in this time!”

9. Talking on the phone at any time of the day requires more patience than anyone in the house has. “So we were going to the… not right now, sweetheart…. ballgame, and we saw Cheri…. can we NOT climb on mom for a few seconds? …  and she was telling me about her husband’s new job… please don’t hit your sister! CAN YOU PLAY WITH YOUR TOYS A MINUTE?!, i’ll be there in just a second… [shouting and crying from multiple children]….[sigh…] Mom, I gotta go…”

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10. Car-rides are where the most learning takes place [mostly because he is finally stuck  in one place]. It also means you have a built-in police car radar as well as a backseat driver to remind you of the meanings of traffic colors, AND  someone to ensure that you don’t miss a single octagon or rectangle along the way. It would truly be horrible to miss one of those…

This between the musical entertainment you surely should capture for him to see when he IS a teenager and wants to make music for real…

11. Food is a battle you’ve now given up on, taking on the mantra that “they won’t starve”. They’ll eat when they eat but it’s not on your watch. Some days it’s milk and cheese, other days you scramble to feed the bottomless pit and army of one, it’s just getting through the day that matters… and trying not to stress too much about being responsible for their future health problems you’ve caused…

12. Time-outs are now at least 15-20 minutes, rather than the recommended 3 minutes. Cause that’s how long it takes to catch your breath, get a beverage, and sit in your personal space long enough to remember that you had this child on purpose and you still love them. It’s really a time out for you at this point… plus they forget they’re in timeout and finally do “play with toys by themselves” like you wished they would…

printables found here

13. They always surprise you with random kindness and understanding you didn’t think cognitively capable for a little person with typical age-appropriate behaviors. “Mom, you didn’t have breakfast, you need this apple and cheese.” “Mom, I cleaned up my toys cause it will make you happy.” or “Mom, can you come outside and take a picture of me with your big camera?”

note: he doesn’t often let me take pictures of him, and he knows i love it… so i’m sure that’s he way of giving back…

14. At some point you have called one or both of your parents to thank them, cry to them, or ask for advice because you are sure you have turned into a crazy person with too many different emotions: frustration, guilt, humility, anger, sadness, self-loathing, sleep-deprivation, love, desperation, more guilt… all in the wake of deeply trying to connect with a little threenager who WAY deep down is still a good little person just learning to be a human.