i have had a whole lot of emotions rolling through this head for months. it’s been a rollercoaster, no, really more like a tornado.
the short story is: we moved to arizona.
because so many have asked, i’ll just tell you why. in the few times that we visited our families in arizona, we were both able to disconnect from our “jobs” (and the stress that has been a small apartment with two rambunctious toddlers and a small income in an expensive city…) and reconnect with life.
over Labor Day, we visited family at the cabin. there is no wifi, no cell phone service. as we drove out into the mountains and lost service, i was still attempting to answer emails and check all of my social media accounts frantically before i wasn’t going to be able to respond for 4 or 5 days… it was clearly feeding my anxiety, and the cycle was indeed vicious. i spent most of my days stressed that i wasn’t doing enough, while simultaneously adding more to my plate. i didn’t sleep well to begin with, but at night my head swirled with ideas and i couldn’t shut it off. cc, though the best employee you’d ever find, was unhappy with 11-hour days and a job he wasn’t really in love with.
in just a few short hours i felt the anxiety melt away. the real cure was here and we both knew it. i had one whole day without wanting to cry, without a panicked heart rate for most of the day. having my loving family around, being away from everything that i thought motivated me to be happy, as it turns out, was a product of my anxiety/depression that was getting worse and not better. my need to do more and more and to be “busy” all of the time, just went away.
as we drove away at the weekend’s end, we waved goodbye to our families that we see 4 times a year, and i cried. then i wept. 30 minutes into my tears, cc finally asked… and by the time we made it home, we had decided to see what we could do about coming to arizona. over the next days and weeks we talked through it and prayed on it and slept on it. it was the right thing to do.
and because it was right, an opportunity that just might be his dream job opened up. something that will not require the hours or stress and that he was made to do. that alone is reason enough for me. i moved home before christmas and we played long-distance while i searched for a home.
i leave behind a part of my heart in sunny san diego. our family there will be some of our closest, and i’m so glad that we got to be there to support each other for some of life’s greatest moments. our friends there will be lifelong friends it’s lucky that it’s only 5-6 hours away, so we can go back often and still feel like we can soak in the good stuff. it is bittersweet, but mostly sweet. we’ve been weekend lovers only for 2.5 months while he has finished out his job, and when he comes, we agree it still feels like a vacation here.
the future is bright. we have landed in a house. an actual house. with a garage and a backyard. something that if you have lived in a big city you know is a special commodity. we are renting of course, but the idea of owning a home is not a distant dream anymore but something clear in our future. my kids are in separate rooms and sleep better and have space to play. cc will have space for his tools and be able to create. my kids will have their grandparents and some cousins close. we sat and watched them all play together and just smiled ear to ear. we needed a reset button like you wouldn’t believe. as much as i love and will miss san diego, turns out God knows what he’s up to. and i can’t wait to see what else He has in mind for us.
all photos by the amazing maria johns of bow & arrow photography studio
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